Thursday, April 25, 2013

Virginity and all that jazz

The other day I was reading the ‘Losing my virginity and other dumb ideas’ by Madhuri Banerjee. I remember picking up the book just going by the title. Yeah! I know! Don’t give me those scandalous looks, please! I was intrigued. 

Moving further, some things on ‘virginity’ I stumbled upon:
  • A woman in Egypt was ordered to pay fine to her ex-husband for lying about her virginity! Read here
  • There is a ritual I heard happening somewhere in India when a newly wed woman after her first night with her husband is supposed to throw the ‘blood-stained’ bedsheet out in the open for everyone to see that she was a virgin
  • Hymenoplasty (the surgical restoration of hymen) is getting prevalence in many parts of the world and is talked about in hushed tones in the living room conversations when the woman is getting married and one of the things considered to save the marriage
Virginity as a virtue has always been, in unsaid terms, a virtue to be held closely by a woman. And as the above-mentioned trivia is very justifiably hinting at. 

For a man, it is considered ok to not be a virgin. Infact, women do not mind their men to be not one when they are with them. Especially in a committed, marital relationship. They say, experience is only going to help them! For men, it is ok to have had lost virginity at 15 and boast about it. For men, it is ok to tell his wife about his past laurels and it gets difficult for him to digest the fact that his wife is not a virgin. 

All the talks of morality circle around a woman being a virgin and saving herself for her husband. The idea of being a virgin on the wedding night has been ingrained in women for years now. There are perhaps two sects of women on this issue. One who has been there and done that. For them, in this day and age, there is no such thing as being rigid to morals that do not add to your existence or being. For them, being a virgin or not being one is an unimportant detail and life has far more challenges that they need to face. For them, this is just one of the things that happens naturally and should be dealt exactly that way. The sect that believes we are making an issue over a tissue. 

The other sect, the one that is holding onto this virtue, is confused. They may want to go out there and lose it at the right opportunity but they wait not for the right opportunity but the right man. They question the virtue, the unfairness of the society to being biased towards men on this, like on many others as well. In their hearts they also know that it is just an issue over a tissue but they lack the will to go against the tide. For them, t is not so much about saving yourself for the husband but the right man. 

However, it may be any woman from both the sects to be going for hymenoplasty. Or she may skip discussing the being a virgin part while getting into a marriage. All this because as a society (all over the world), we have men who are well-traveled, work in the MNCs, are rich and smart. But they would not like their women to have had been there before (you know what I am talking about).  They are educated but would not know that the small delicate tissue like hymen may get ruptured due to multiple other reasons. They sleep around, have one-night stands but when it comes to women, become moral police.

Personally, I feel we should just look around and smell the coffee. World is changing and changing fast. In this changing world, relationships are going through different twists. Morals and values make us the person we are and that’s about it. Being a virgin or not being one is a personal choice and can never be governed by values. 

If we are so hung up on morals and virtues, what else answers the pervert mentality behind the crimes that are frequently happening these days? May be some fodder to think for the moral police.


  1. Your post reminded me of Cocktail movie. I liked Deepika's character and loathed Penty's. But in the end, Shorty prefers the seemingly-silent, Indian-ish Penty. Ditto with most Indian men.

    >Being a virgin or not ...values.
    Totally!To each his/her own.

    1. Yes I liked what Nandana said ...virginity is a much overrated issue . In the movie , Deepika supposedly "Comes" to her senses and realizes her mistake . I would have preferred if Saif had come to his senses and married Deepika instead and realized the beautiful soul beneath the brazen exterior . Of course why in our Hindi movies do virgin women always dress up in saris ?:)

  2. A good post for V,enjoyed how well it was written.


  3. Some hard hitting facts there Naina!!

  4. Very well expressed. I too think that people harp too much about the wrong thing!

  5. I like the way you dealt with this, Naina - in a matter of fact manner and yet very strong in your condemnation of the double standards that abound all around our society. Do you know that in the US there are lots of young girls being coerced into virginity rights where they swear that they're going to be virgins until they're married.

  6. Glad you made it in time, Naina. A nice perspective....Truth of life! (I don't even care about all this virginity jazz)

  7. Virginity is so over rated ! Its each to its own as Nandana says ....

  8. I've always found it so silly that men are almost expected to lose their virginity whereas women are expected to keep theirs. I think the most important thing in this day and age, is sticking true to one's own morals and values, not based on what everyone around them is saying.

    Great post!

    Have fun with the rest of a-z.

  9. I read the book for the same reasons! :D
    In India, virginity still seems to be a big deal when it comes to marriage. No matter how modern people claim to be, they still want a virgin while getting married.

  10. I am glad You came up with this post !! U wrote it late but isnt it a LATEST and best topic what u chose :)
    coming back to it- do u know that hymen is broken even during gym or accidents or due to one or the other reasons ! Its not ALWAYS just abt losing virginity. PEOPLE R ignorant asses

    And coming back to losing virginity - its always a personal choice. Depends on your values which U want to value. It doesnt mean one shud sleep with anyone but SAD fact all over the world is MEN boast about it and women can never discuss it openly . Like a women's desire shud always remain under wraps for her own good - the way many feel in our country . Similarly her virginity should also be guarded for the WEDDING - thats what many feel !

    I have no hopes that people's mindset will change. In a place where love sex and rape are all considered same same I have no hopes

  11. for a moment, just think of the parents who recently found out their daughter isn't a baby anymore. i guess they'd not be proud at it; and not happy for sure, be it the father or the mother..

    and for god sake, just stop being a revolutionary for girls providing them freedom to be a....... its not the matter of equal rights of guys and girls. obviously, none prays their partner to have slept with someone else, be it a before marriage or an after marriage relationship..

    how can you even imagine your partners to have faith in you if you don't even have control over desperation?? you should be knowing, distrust is one of the major causes of family fights..

    today, when every girl has new affairs, fights and breakups every new month, getting physical is not love.. but mere a time pass

    whats wrong, will be wrong always...

    n sry for being so hard n fast feelings... it was just my was to oppose this thought..:)

  12. and do approve my comment if you believe you stand by what you say...:)

  13. Naina, I think 'virginity' is becoming a non-issue these days. Its becoming (rightly) a matter of choice. But what is sad is how some children (and I use this word deliberately too) sleep with boys at 13 or 14 years because of peer pressure or because they believe they are in love, and regret it later. After all losing your virginity should be an act of love, isn't it? Does not marry whether you marry that love. But well, different strokes for different folks!