10 Things 2016 Taught Me That No Other Year Ever Did

It is not just another new year’s eve for me. I don’t say it because I am in a different city, away from mote papa and moti momma, not indulging in our new year’s eve staple dinner of pav bhaji and gajar ka halwa and watching Victoria Secret annual show at midnight (although I will do it anyway). I say it because this year broke me emotionally but I am writing about it on the last afternoon of the year means I survived. 

Believe me I drove so many people away because I wasn’t my best this year. But it wasn’t in me really. What is left of me now is a fragile, vulnerable, sensitive mess but I can’t wait for a brand new year to start and feel better and stronger.

What this year taught me will take me sometime to absorb but I wanted to pen down what all I could to look back at it next new year’s eve and smile that I survived. 

1.  That I am not that good with people like I believed myself to be when this year began.

2.  That falling in and then falling out of love is my thing. No, seriously. Don’t believe me? Let’s meet over coffee and I’ll take you through my year’s love snippets. And yes, I still call it all love. 

3.  That money is important. Be it your higher-level dreams of quitting your job, go location neutral, travel and work from wherever you can to middle-class dreams to buy yourself a beer or a coffee whenever you want, load your bookshelf with all the classics you have been meaning to read, fill your closet with beautiful clothes, you need money. If your heart melts looking at kids on the roadside or old people begging and you want to do something about them, which too needs money. This year taught me that having some money in the bank account is a textbook rule to be followed to the T.

4.  That there is no one other than family who will stand by you, maybe because they are supposed to but also because they wish your best in every way. They aren’t and shouldn’t be taken for granted. I could write friends too but they are human and your incessant nagging and sulking can make them lose their shit sometimes and then you will realize you should have had some filter to not burden them with your entire emotional trauma. 

5.  That love is confusing. That sex is underrated. That being friendzoned is a real shit.

6.  That I can stay quiet, without social media apps for as long as I desire. This handicap that I had for being social 24X7 was just in my head. And I broke it. Twice this year. I am on one such detox right now too.

7.  That two people can be good on paper (or in bed) but can still not be together emotionally in the real world.

8.  That I can cook, if it comes to that. And no, not just Maggi.  

9.  That I have spent so many days and nights crying this year, I think I am done and bored with it for life. Next scene please.

10.That I love Bombay more than I ever thought. Even when I am stuck in a traffic jam for a while, the very thought that I am in Bombay is enough to thrill me (yes, I am crazy that way). My new year’s eve is by myself in my favorite city and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. 

Now I have to wrap this up, I have learnt enough lessons this year. Time to lace up the shoes, go to south Bombay, roam the streets, eat lot of street food (because salary isn’t in yet and I am broke, ya tell me about it), sit at Marine Drive and ring in the new year. A new year in a new city, with new hopes (don’t kill me for the clichés, that’s my current state of mind).

Happy 2017 to all of you! Eat, drink, make love not war, and do some yoga too! :)

It must have been something...

Must have been some day,

Some spring evening possibly.

With the falling leaves outside,

The heart fluttered albeit consciously.

Your almond brown eyes spoke

Yet you never said anything.

Your warm and familiar smile,

Was both unsettling and comforting.

Every coffee we never shared,

And many jokes we cracked.

Every dance we never attempted.

And walking steps we tracked.

We mayn’t have a chance.

We may have moved apart.

There’s something you must know.

You quite had my heart.

A smile can bring you near..to me.

Some days back I had updated my profile picture on Facebook, it being a picture where I had my mouth ‘not open’. No smile, nothing. And then many said they like me when I smile. Ok. Today I updated the profile picture again and this time, the smiling me. People liked it sure.

A friend messaged me this - ’Lovely familiar smile again. Never put any pic without this trait of your personality. I would refuse to recognize you. your eyes open up and as a window to your soul when you smile..have seen this happening in very few people. Cuz most people smile in a plastic way.’

Trust me I do get compliments for my smile but until sometime back, I used to feel a little uneasy to accept and internalize them. Because I believed I didn’t have the beautiful smile. With a little weird bunny rabbit kinda teeth, I felt awkward while smiling. And I still cannot place it on how it changed and how my coy, uncomfortable, showing only 2 teeth perhaps smile changed to a wider, ear to ear, straight from the eyes & heart kind of smile.

Was it that what the world thinks of me mattered less and less? I guess so. Was it that the eyes and heart took over the bunny teeth somewhere? Yes. Was it that I got confident of myself over the years? Hell, yeah!

Okay, now that you know I smile and I smile a lot, there are some not-so-known facts behind that smile of mine, when I am posing for pictures:

·        My mom, if she is around when I am posing, always without fail asks me to shut my mouth and smile just a little

·        Some people, not the ones who matter and may be because they are jealous that I look good when I smile, always frown at me posing if they happen to be around

·        Every single time I update a smiling picture, I get messages, from the ones who matter like the one written above, that they love when I smile. No, no. I am not a celebrity yet! ;)

·        I know when I am smiling, it shows in my eyes. How? I don’t know but I just know it

·        I can never ever fake a smile that wide. Really I can’t!

·        I smile at my own smiling pictures every time I look at them

·        For me, there is no mid-way smile. Either I just shut my mouth, which looks like I have a bad mood or something or I smile the widest. Just doesn’t come to me!

·        I feel it indeed is becoming my trademark 

·        It makes me confident every single time

·        This smile just reminds me I am beautiful and have a good heart

And if you are still wondering, how does that go, that wider smile? Here..

To close my case, just to validate my point, found this on the web:

‘Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.’ 

Are you also smiling right now? Let me know!

Sometimes...just sometimes.

I rest my head on sister's shoulder often

I lose myself to those 2 am friends too

And there are many more days 

When I just stay with myself.

Then, I feel the need for us to re-connect

We can't be bitter to each other for long.

I want to look right in your eyes

And ask, 'Don't you love me at all?'

Sometimes, just sometimes, my dear life

I want you to pamper me and take care of me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, oh dear life

I want you to take my by surprise.

Because the weather is such…

An overcast sky on a July evening

Complete with thunder and lightning

Sound of raindrops falling on the window sill

Eyes locked with each other

Fingers wrapped around the coffee mugs

Warmth of your presence around me

Music in the background

My heart longs to step out

Get drenched and jump in the puddles

Dance with you in the rain

I want you to pull me closer and

Kiss me in the rain

A night like this.

Usually, on my way back home at nights in the office cab, my mind is pre-occupied with many many things. I put on the earplugs and music as soon as the cab starts. That time of about 45 minutes is my time always. I avoid making calls that time. And occasionally check Facebook. But more or less, that time is mine. And more often than not, as soon as the music is tuned in, memories of people, some nice times and some things good, bad and ugly flood my head. Those 45 minutes are not just me and music. There are memories too. Sometimes, I am thinking about the missed chances and sometimes, close escapes. 

However, tonight it was different. Pleasant weather with cool breeze, an overcast sky with a sporadic appearance by moon from behind the thick blanket of gray clouds, air-conditioning off in the cab, windows rolled down, music plugged in. And then, I felt one with nothing and no one but myself. I felt alone but not lonely. In those moments, I was actually living in them. Suddenly there was nothing to drain my brain. No good, bad and ugly. Nothing. The thoughts were positive. I was thankful. There was hope. Hope for the new leaves that shall be turning in soon. Hope for something better. 

Infact, music too seemed fading away in the background. It was as if I was flowing and blending seamlessly in the fast changing landscape around me, from one flyover to another, from one lane to another crossing.

I have never felt so over-whelmed with feelings that I am still to name, like I did tonight. I knew I had to treasure this night. For those nights when I may not feel this hopeful or life may not be upto the mark. I knew I had to stash this night away for eternity, in my memory. I knew this night had to be chronicled because it was one of a kind for me. 

And that is how the quietness of this night looked.

Nothing explains the feelings more beautifully than this:

Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

P. S I knew I had to write about it even though it will get late and I have office tomorrow. :)

You had me at hello!

Jerry Maguire is a successful sports agent who after some tiff with the agency, moves out with just one client and Dorothy, a fellow worker who loves him and believes in him. Dorothy and Jerry get married but their marriage is not so happy due to work pressures that keep Jerry busy and stressed. They decide to break up. However, after a successful completion of a project, Jerry decides to woo back Dorothy. 

He comes home to find the house of ladies and is looking for Dorothy in that crowd. Spotting her, he says a hesitant ‘hello’ and then goes on to tell her how much she means to him in his life. And then suddenly Dorothy stops him from saying any further.

The closing part of the conversation goes like:

Jerry Maguire: I love you. You... you complete me. And I just... 

Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "hello".

There is something really romantic about this line. That Dorothy understands what Jerry is trying to say. That she doesn't need to know in many words what Jerry feels for her. That he need not say more. That she knows he loves her when he uttered that 'hello'.

Here is the lovely scene:

‘You had me at hello’ was one of the most popular dialogues from this movie and also found a place in the top 100 movie quotes in American cinema, listed by American Film Institute.